Expectations
Shakespeare wrote that expectation fails most where it promises most. The trouble is in how much you expected, and whether you ever said so.
Short answer
Expectation fails most where it promises most, which makes expecting nothing sound like the cure, except counting on anyone is expecting something from them. The trouble is in the handling. Unsaid expectations turn into tests nobody knew they were taking, and said ones still break when two people hold them at different weights. Saying the weight early starts the argument sooner, while it's cheap. Harder still, most expectations stay invisible until they break, and nobody can weigh or say one they haven't found yet.
Key takeaways
- —Expecting nothing sounds like the cure for disappointment. It also means counting on no one.
- —Every expectation has a weight. Two people can agree on dinner at 7 and mean different things by it.
- —Saying the weight early starts the argument sooner, while it's still cheap. Staying quiet puts harmony on credit.
- —Most expectations stay invisible until they break, and nobody can weigh or say one they haven't found yet.
Oft expectation fails, and most oft there
Where most it promises; and oft it hits
Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits.
That's Helena, in Shakespeare's All's Well That Ends Well. The more you count on something, the more often it lets you down. The less you hope for, the more often it comes through.
The first half is every disappointment you've ever had. Disappointment is what an unmet expectation feels like.
The second half sounds like the cure.
Expect nothing, and nothing can let you down.
Except counting on someone is expecting something from them. Expect nothing from anyone, and you've stopped counting on anyone.
That's a lonely kind of peace.
Keep the expectations, then. The trouble has to be in what you do with them.
Usually, it's that you never said them. You expected them to offer to help and never asked. Then you held it against them for failing a test they didn't know they were taking.
Say it out loud, and the test becomes an agreement.
But you can say it, get a yes, and still end up in a fight.
You agree on dinner at 7. To you that means 7, and to them it means somewhere around 7. At 7:25, you're fighting over a time you both agreed to.
Every expectation has a weight.
You agreed on the words and never compared the weights. Saying the expectation wasn't enough, because the weight never went with it.
To send the weight, you have to weigh it first. How much does 7 actually matter to you? Is it a preference, or a line?
Say that out loud and something uncomfortable happens. Now there's something to disagree about, at 2 in the afternoon instead of 7:25.
That argument is the cheap version.
Stay quiet and you still have it. You just have it at 7:25, with interest. Everything you leave unsaid puts harmony on credit.
All of this assumes you know what you expect...
Most of the time, you don't.
You don't know you expected the call until it doesn't come. The thank-you you never asked for only exists once it's missing.
Nobody can weigh or say an expectation they haven't found yet. Some of what breaks between people broke before anyone could have said a word.
So weigh the ones you can see, and say them early, weight included.
Then ask the question only you can answer.
What are you expecting that you haven't addressed yet?